Goodbye Friend.

It is just easier to let him go from your life rather than hold onto that friendship to make it work.

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No, she is not a delicate flower or an intricate piece of glasswork that will get shattered or crushed so easily.

No, she will not continue to yearn for him after he bails on her.

Yet, no she is not completely immalleable either.

We all get influenced by others’ words (even worse — misleading verbal promises) and actions. Sometimes, it is just easier to let him go from your life rather than hold onto that friendship to make it work. It’s just not worth your effort and time.

So here it goes, my ex-friend.

To the guy who didn’t come down one set of stairs to talk to her in person especially when she asked to talk to him in person. The one time she said she needed him during her sad phase, he wasn’t by his side. Goodbye.

To the guy who has the worst mood swings and when confronted by them, turns the table on her and blames her for overthinking. Yes, he has a great sense of humor. And no, she doesn’t expect him to be peppy all the time. But, a single hello wouldn’t hurt during the car rides to work. Goodbye.

To the guy who treats her in such a fickle manner and she starts doubting how to behave with him and starts changing herself for him. Goodbye.

To the guy who was so much fun to be around with the first couple of months and brought so much positivity but now is the primary source of negativity and makes her overthink about unnecessary issues. Goodbye.

To the guy who never was on his phone when he was with her but now constantly on his phone. Goodbye.

To the guy who was definitely interested in her but now goes to her about another girl and tells her to not to be present every time the group of three hangs out. After all, it’s only the three of them in a new state away from their support system. And, he knows that. What can this girl do now? She’s used to it. Give her some time. But now, a complete goodbye.

To the guy who told her directly that he loved intelligent, passionate, career, and goal-oriented women like herself and said “that turns me on,” but goes for a girl with zero flame instead. Why? Was she too loud or “extra” for him? After all, he would only resort to the norm. So much for wanting to never conform to society and saying he’d be a stay at home dad for her career and goals if need be. Goodbye.

To the guy who talked about his family, showed her pictures of his entire life before they met, and initiated non-work related hang outs outside work to talk about society and life, but now only talks to her about work. Goodbye.

To the guy who lacks the passion to make a mark in society when she first saw in him the first time they met. Goodbye.

To the guy who spends unnecessary money on things but says he’s under a tight budget when she is planning a fun adventure for them. That definitely let her know of his priorities. Goodbye.

To the guy who asked to room with her in her future European adventures, made long eye contact with her even in a large group setting, visited her whenever he could at work, intrigued by things she said, remembered everything she said and did, and tried to dance on her multiple times at parties, but then called her his “co-worker” or sister when asked about their friendship. A major goodbye.

No, she didn’t want him to be her boyfriend. She was delighted to have a new best friend so soon in her new chapter of her life. Yes, she admired him more than a normal friend, but that was out of respect. Maybe it could have blossomed into love much (and seriously much) later on, but it was definitely not to get with him. After hanging out all the time to minimal interactions when it’s just the two of them makes a huge impact in her life.

Thank you Mr. X for showing her to never confide in anyone that quickly. Thank you Mr. X for giving her the initial fun interactions and positivity, but thank God she didn’t stick to the other side of you that now seems to be the permanent side when you are with her. She’s not sure what she did to make this happen, but man, she’d like to know to reverse this whole thing. There’s only so much she can hold onto before giving up with you. But, she is for sure done for now.

She tried giving you her best, and it wasn’t enough. But she’s fine with it now.

And, ultimately, thank you for giving her so much alone time back that now she is inspired to get back to blogging and to express her whirlpool of emotions through these very words. ❤

(As the reader, you may see many hypocrisies in my thinking in this piece, and I am very well aware of that. Just wanted to fully express my emotions rather than finding logic with them.)

New Year, Better Me

New year means reflections like never before.

The New Year means reflections like never before.

While I understand making resolutions doesn’t have to only happen on New Year’s, there is that extra motivational push to do so when others around you are reflecting during the same time. By having so much free time this winter break to reflect, the new year is my chance to sit down and prepare a list of important actionable lifestyle changes I want to make.

In the past, I have always made a list of things I want to change in my life every new year. When I think about them now, I realize how materialistic those goals have been. I particularly remember 2012’s one where I wanted to do anything I can to get into a prestigious Ivy League and 2014’s one where I wanted that 4.0 next semester. Yes – these resolutions motivated me to do well, but I realize now how narrow-minded these resolutions were. Ivy Leagues. 4.0s. I was missing the point of life. I was not understanding the importance of happiness, positivity, and peace. It was always a rush to succeed and never about enjoying the process.

Not sure what has been so different about me when thinking about this year’s resolutions (maybe I’m just feeling 22 haha), but when I began jotting my goals, I realized it could very easily be summarized as leading a happy life. There was no specific achievement I wanted. Rather, it was to enjoy every day of my life. Maybe this is the after-effect of close family friends’ untimely deaths. Or maybe this is the senior college student nostalgia kicking in already. Or maybe this is just me being more aware of society around me. Regardless, I am beginning to see the world and my role here in a different light.

My resolutions may seem vague to many reading this, but to me, this is exactly how I want them to be. We have all been taught to make SMART goals with the S standing for specific. As you’ll see, my resolutions are not specific whatsoever. Rather, they’re just how I want to lead life this year and for years to follow. I believe these resolutions are the door to happiness and eventually, my perseverance to make my mark in society.

Read More.

The last physical book I read was probably over four years ago. I still read the news, but that’s not really the same. I always blamed lack of time for this, but this year I really want to start reading more. With the endless amount of perspectives and lives we can read about, books can give us an opportunity to have experiences that we haven’t had the opportunity to and still allow us to learn the life skills they entail. Through reading more, I hope to discover more about myself.

Live More [Fully].

Yup, you read that right. Live more. I want to live my life more fully. I will pursue to live every day on a fresh new start. I do not want to be and will not be held back by what happened yesterday, the day before, the week before, the year before, and so on. This also means to be true to who I really am. Unintentionally, we all try to be someone we are not to impress someone or want everyone to like us. While I made this change last year, I really want to continue this as it has made me a more confident and independent person. I’d rather be an original version of myself than an exact duplicate of someone else. And, the third change I want to bring about is to stop complaining. I never understood how I much I complain until a friend recently pointed out. Call it venting, b****ing, or whatever, but I tend to do this during stressful times, and I need to turn it down a notch. While it is important to share your feelings with close friends, over-complaining or criticizing brings them down too even if they don’t express it. So 2017, get ready for the more positive me!

Breathe More [Fresh Air].

This past year, I have been indoors way too much. Classes, meetings, meals, and assignments are all inside. I want to explore more Atlanta spots and take my reading, studying, and chilling there. I spend way too much time in my apartment and have always wanted to go outside to work on things, but I was never proactive. With my Fridays off this semester, I will have a great opportunity to explore the city I have spent practically my entire life in. Not only that, fresh air busts stress and increases happiness. Research shows that spending time in fresh air increases energy in 90 percent of people. This seems like a good resolution to me. 🙂

Give More [to Society].

In five months, I will have received my undergraduate degree from one of the most prestigious institutions in the nation. Why was it that I worked so hard to get this degree? It is honestly more the process and the four years of learning that has shaped me to be who I am now. Taking those fun courses that were outside the biomedical engineering curriculum was very honestly my secret to new ideas and passion. No matter how tough we think our lives are, there is always someone who has to face challenges that are even tougher than ours. Taking classes like sociology and leveraging social networks gave me a fresh take on how I can make a sustainable difference as opposed to volunteering at one holiday event. As a Girl Scout for 13 years and active member of various service organizations, I have kept my promise of giving back to society. However, this year I want to give more. I want to start an initiative myself going off my Gold Award project that I was and am still passionate about in 2013 — autism awareness. With the connections I have made these past four years, with the new advances I have learned about in my courses, and with the passion to lead and serve my community, I am really excited in launching this idea sometime the first half of this year.

Love More.

If you can learn to love yourself and all the flaws, you can love other people so much better. And that makes you so happy. ~ Kristin Chenoweth

Enough said. Bringing more happiness and positivity to not only myself but to those around me is exactly what I will be doing starting now.

Smile More.

One smile can make all the difference in the world. One smile has the power to release stress, calm you down, make you attractive, make someone else happy, and can cause happiness. I want to continue smiling through ups and downs and see more positivity in any situation. After all, I do think smiling more is the way to mastering the art of positive thinking.